oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.
his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs
Joined a porch party below me by climbing out the window and jumping off the roof. Tonight will be good
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
The funny part was that the cop pulled us over cause the park was closed, not because I had just come up from giving the guy a blowjob when the cop drove by.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
