new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
