Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
Its perfect, I supply the pot she makes the brownies. I love the culinary dept.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Just passed a girl holding a jar filled with what appeared to be diarrhea
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
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