you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.
At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
And then she grabbed my dick and started singing 'ring ring ring ring banana phone'
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