i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
So I guess I walked across campus with "pat my ass" in sharpie on my forehead.
You deserve it, you colossal cock block.
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