Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
When he took off his pants i accidently shouted "that is one small wiener," and thats when he left
you'd think someone with a dick that small would take what he could get
LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
I'm passing your future prison.
Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
You yell at me for being attracted to older guys and you're over here condoning murder
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
he was wearing a pyjama shirt under a dress shirt under a hoodie under a robe under a rain poncho the man was prepared for anything
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
only 3 drinks in and he showed me his fursuit, please come pick me up
Randomize
