She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
i had confetti in my bra
i still find it in random places like a shoe or my car. that week haunts me
Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
Standing here wondering if its a good idea to cook pork chops in the toaster or not.
Seriously, fuck work.
uh yea I'm curled up in the trunk of my car
The bartender had to walk me home last night. New high or new low?
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Look I'm really high right now, and if I were to leave this house, it would be for the sole purpose of getting an ice cream sandwich. So can you please just do it.
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
