If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
We'll just charge in there, all pant less and fabulous demanding he give back her ferret.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
he just left the suite without pants on wrapped in Christmas lights
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
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