If relationships were based on ego stroking and meaningless sex, we'd be soulmates
he just wrote my ten page research paper for tit pics. i love my boobs.
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
im glad im back to a point in my life where i have enough sex to sometimes be offered and be like naw im good.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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