I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
But he was wearing a glow-in-the-dark condom. It was like a glowing rod of kryptonite. I can't resist that, kryptonite is my weakness.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I almost bumped into a man wrapped only in a blanket at 10 am
sometimes u just have to say fuck it and help a straight sixteen year old break into her uncles gay bar.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
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