And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I apparently tried to stop my spending of money by sealing the top of my wallet with gum
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
Tonight was the second time that I've pretended like English was my 2nd language to avoid conversation w a creeper.
dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
It is super hard to find a good vegan dominatrix! THAT'S why I'm single
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
