someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Three months into our sexual relationship, he comes out with "Your body is efficient". WTF do I do with THAT?
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Like did he really think I just hit him up for dick !? It's 11:30 am , these ain't hoe hours
Omg I'm having dinner at chilli's with a guy who is arguing that getting a weed leaf tatoo on his neck will prevent him from getting a job as a dental assistant
Well that actually sounds reasonable
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