I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
Listen. You seriously only live once... there aren't that many cinco de mayos left until someone knocks u up and u have to have a shotgun wedding. Man up.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
It's taking all of my will power not to chug this margarita. This must be the life of an adult...
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
Randomize
