im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could
He said and I quote "Had to beat one off in the Burger King bathroom before I went over." Thats somebody that takes pride in his work.
Just casually ripping a bowl in the chicken coop, with the chickens. NBD
Shotgunning beers to finish a midterm project at 3am is a good idea right?
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
did i tell you guys i finally 69’d for the first time last night? just thought the group chat should know.
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