Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
I woke up without my clothes on covered up with a towel on the floor because for some reason I took a bath in my clothes at 2am.
She broke up with me after I spent the whole day speaking in nothing but Marshawn Lynch quotes.
I literally can not watch Thor without thinking of your dick
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
Randomize
