Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
Thanks to this cookie, I have now eaten something other than skittles today.
I will keep you posted and someday if we daydrink teach you how to do a footjob
You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.
So I just noticed that my last drunk google search before going to bed last night was "ghosts based on gays." I have no idea what that's supposed to mean
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
My autobiography will be 500 pages of the words "I probably should've thought this through" typed over and over.
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
Also, I'm not that drunk, but I'm thinking of pulling the blinds all the way up and casting some porn up onto the living room TV to establish dominance over our neighbors.
There's even glitter on my cock...
Randomize
