Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?
i hope when i become a housewife i'm more of a gretchen and less of a vicky
Getting 10 cents back for every can is really just encouraging alcoholism.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
SOOOOOO I just attempted to go to the gym, hungover. Ended up throwing up in the bathroom. I hope people think I'm just working out really hard
Randomize
