A woman in the waiting room at the STD clinic told me that she is going to pray to jesus for my penis.
and people in Baltimore still get a bad wrap.
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM
She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine
Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
He'll only communicate through snapchat with pictures of him holding his cat or his dick. Bit of Russian roulette opening them in public but I did it anyway.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
I just found a condom in my jolly ranchers bag. This is a good omen.
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