mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"
To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME
Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
2 weeks into this dating someone with money thing and I already don't know if I can go back to the being poor life
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Randomize
