Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
champagne bombs. Yes, i think that is where things may have gotten out of control.
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Our funnel is on top of our neighbors roof.
I still can't believe he turned down that threesome with us in central park. He must be really committed.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
Morning! Got your 3am VM to remind you to get up for spin class and also confirm you were not murdered by the sketchy guy at brunch yesterday. So this is your literal and metaphorical wake up call.
Do you remember feeding the vacuum doritos last night?
whatever, tonight I’ll be getting my ass eaten by an aussie so we good
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