my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
Come through the front door when you get here.
Right now I'm so wasted I can't determine whats a door and a window.
Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens
Figured out why that fly won't leave. It keeps buzzing through my weed smoke
Fly high, Fly.
He told me I remind him of his ex girlfriend but in a better more advanced way..
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
Randomize
