The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
You know your acid trip is going well when the orange you're eating gives you a life lesson
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.
I'm still alive btw, in case you were worried about my well being.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
Randomize
