I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
you were making out, puked over his shoulder and insisted everything was okay
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
All I want in life is to get high, take a shower, and him to go down on me. Simultaneously. That's legit my idea of heaven.
also, i am in no position to judge as my life choices today went along the lines of "YAY VODKA". for breakfast.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I'm basically the yoda of knowing when someone wants to sleep with you
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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