hey is it cool if i invite some fat girls to the party so i can be the skinny one?
yeah okay. but if i take one home with me you have to come over in the morning and tell her to get her shit and go.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My sharpie cut off line was invaded last night. Where's my turtleneck?
That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
You poured a bottle of water into the salad bowl and said "bowls are a joke" and then poured it into your lap.
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Did April legit get married in a parking lot?
Where are you guys?
Drunk
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
