You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time
I'll google it
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
Remembering I sold my brand new Blackberry to a stranger for a few pints = Worst night of my life. Now to work out what I did with my shoes.
I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
The taxi driver was going on about how many drunk chicks want to sleep with him when he drives them home. Not sure if he was bragging or hinting
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Not a or good or bad impression, just that you were all basically naked playing beer bong in sombreros and ties. Casual.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
I knew my bag made it because I could smell the fireball that spilled inside of my suitcase before it was on the luggage carousel.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Randomize
