i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS
Passing out is my livers way of protecting my mind.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
I could see myself being this awkward weirdo drunk girl that patted strangers and danced terribly but was powerless to stop it
The tit pic search didn't go as planned, some old guy sent me a pic of his balls and said stop texting his daughter. Better luck tomorrow
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