Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Apparently fireball doesn't mix well with my no carb diet
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
Randomize
