R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
You may now shotgun with the bride
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I was fed cake in bed and then was pinned down and ridden till I came. And then fed more cake. I'm going to marry Brad. I'll put money on it.
I just realized it's officially fall..I had sex while watching Halloween
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Randomize
