I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
Idk, you were a drunk pirate that kept stealing pieces of people's costumes to keep as your booty.
That would explain all the random shit in my room...
It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.
On a completely unrelated note I think I have carpal tunnel
Again, totally unrelated
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
Randomize
