After I made out with her she fell asleep and started pooting in her sleep. Are we sure lesbians are hot? Cause that wasn't.
on the bus. saw a kid get off at a red light, puke on the sidewalk, and get back on.
I'm going to come in a little later this morning....there's no heterosexual way to say this....$1 flip flop sale at old navy
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
Smoked Hookah in the playhouse last night. Childhood was so fun.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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