I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.
Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?
My clean wipe streak was ended today by two enchiladas and a can of refried beans. dammit i should have been more cautious. thanks for all ur encouragement and support.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
I just creeped all your pictures on Facebook -- it was like I watched you grow up right before my eyes.
I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I put tequila in my salad dressing yesterday. Step the fuck up.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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