just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?
I worry about you.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I only call her for sex and medical advice. She admitted she feels like a worried parent when her phone rings at 5 a.m.
You left wolverine marks
I'm somewhere between sorry and proud
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
my mom tried to talk to me about my drinking, i somehow turned it around on her, now shes going to AA and I'm going to the bar.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
He was gunna drive a half hour for a makeout sesh. Time to take the diapers off and learn about the wonders of the penis, dude
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
DO IT!
Randomize
