that drag queen yelled at him and touched me to make him jealous and said things like this is what a real man feels like. it was a thrill.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
I woke up in a poorly constructed blanket fort on a strange office floor covered in rug burns and champagne. How was your night?
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Hey I’m obsessed with Charlie Heaton from stranger things...not because he got caught at the border with coke...okay that’s a lot of it
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