There are 3 speedbumps now up. Think you can manage the urge to piss on them?
Aw shit! That's like putting me a in a room full of Captiain Crunch Donuts and Jasper Hale and not letting me put my mouth on either.
i think i have herpe
just one?
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
By the way, your roommate is right. His penis is much bigger than yours.
I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.
Not sure how ur night is going, but unless u also saw a naked drunk chick pissing outside i doubt it can top mine
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Your life has no conflict it's just a blur of sex and Netflix
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I just puked in a chili’s bathroom... happy birthday to me
Randomize
