Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
im in the post action - pre consequence stage.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
She threw her burger out the car window last night. My vegan neighbors were not pleased but I’m pretty sure I saw a for sale sign go up on their lawn so I owe her one.
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
Randomize
