Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
like in an apt above a crackhead. A LEGIT CRACKHEAD. he woke me up every morning this week asking me if I wanted to buy a mini fridge and some CDs. at 5 am. EVERY DAY.
I really should sober up and deal with this hangover
It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
I mean it could have been worse, I could have been sober.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
Randomize
