All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night
i love my job...i have craft hour at my desk w twizzlers
can u grab me a application
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
The Domino's delivery guy is in front of me at The Wendy's drive-through. Hmmm.....
he went down on me and a few minutes later he asked to show me a magic trick. then he pulled a quarter out of my vagina
I couldnt sleep the entire night because her cats kept reaching under the door like they were trying to eat me for taking their place on her bed.
I always knew youd fuck a cat lady
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