Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.
All I remember is a very aggressive two-stepper who inadvertently made me give myself a black eye with my own beer
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
Randomize
