I would kick you in the vagina but I'm afraid I would lose my shoe.
My bed smells like naked
Haha. At least it doesn't smell like herpes
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
when did my "fat clothes" just become my clothes...diet starts tomorrow
They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Honestly I'm not even that excited to see my boyfriend. I'm more excited to see his penis. His penis inside of me.
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
I ate all your munchie Mac and Cheese cause you left me on the lawn. If you don't want it to happen gain, drag my drunk ass inside next time
Okay so as of now, we may either be coming for one night, two nights, or not at all this weekend. It depends on Laura's toe and if I get my period. Will explain later
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
Randomize
