zippers are such a cool invention
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
You lured him into the bathroom with a trail of jello shots, then proceeded to barricade the door with duct tape. You really should have thought that one through..
So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me
I feel like my nipples were chewed on by alligators.
We found her on the balcony debating if it was easier to jump or throw up. Neither decision would not have been good for the 91 year old below us.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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