"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I'll call you tomorrow. I'm ok and back i love you goodnight.
I stole a bike. Here's a pic
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
