I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
Just fell off a train. Bad.
You remember correctly you did get a golf cart ride out but it wasnt because you were special. You were so smashed you were screaming tiger at random golfers in the middle of there backswing.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
My only objective is to get drunk enough to forget the last 364 days.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Do you think they'll deliver pizza to my mouth
She's Jesus crazy. And one if not more other forms of crazy. She's 2.5+ crazy.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Randomize
