i either just walked in on pete wacking off to webmd or he was checking his dick for herpes
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
the problem with open bar is i never know what to get
did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?
And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
the bartender goes "wow its so good to see you sober" and gives me a hug
In the event that Ian's ex wife asks you, tell her I'm sweet snd innocent. No reason.
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
Randomize
