cynthia nixon should never get laid more than me
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
the fog machine set off the whole complexes fire alarm
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
My heart says buy the granny panties, but my vagina says don't throw in the towel yet.
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
Your Vodka Saturday privileges have been reduced to Beer until you go a full month without losing an article of clothing.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
That’s all I need in life: vibrators, butt plugs, strawberry lube, and sour gummies
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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