i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
It was a good hour of moans, penis compliments, smacks, and what sounded like someone running in flip flops
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
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