Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
So apparently after I spilled candle wax down the front of my pants, I went to the store, bought condoms, and passed them out to everyone at the bar.
I thought they were lying to me about the condoms, until I found the receipt in my pocket.
Not to mention I think lunch is a little inappropriate when our relationship is only based on Mario kart and alcohol so far...
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
The next time we go out, we're bringing a jar so that people can contribute to the rest of what I need to come up with for my breast implants... We'll show them yours for inspiration and persuasion.
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
as a lesbian i'd like to thank joe biden and also america for giving us this absolute MILF for a VP
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