You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
if i can get a chik with a dibaetes pump naked a sling certainly isnt going to get in my way
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I found someone's tooth on the stairs when I was vacuuming, and my sister found a catheter in the men's bathroom... this cleaning job is dangerous
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
I yelled at the dude who smoked him up "YOU'RE THE REASON I'M NOT GETTING LAID" then went to bed. So yeah, I guess it was an ok night.
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
Randomize
