So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.
well, dont
I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.
did u really fuck my little sister???
im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"
It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.
pants will make it better? really?
She just hopped out of the car at a red light to pet the baby Jesus in the nativity scene.
Not worth it.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
Found my id. It was in the cats litter box. Seriously what was last night.
Just bumped into my ex. Blowing a dude in the ladies' room at Disney World. I guess it really was her not me.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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