Where you are. You must stay where you are are
Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu
Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!
it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
Idk if I want to put a bra on
Randomize
