im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
what kind of morning-after breakfast implies 'thanks for the sex, but i'm not gonna call you ever again'?
literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
don't worry, i'm not mad. i'm just angry. and furious. and about to set your ass on fire.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
