Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I had lunch with him today and quietly mourned his wasted good looks on such a disappointing set of genitals.
I told this guy in the dining hall that he's a hippie god and he's never made eating yogurt so sexy
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Well I've made a drinking game out of the Wiggles but I think I've got this babysitting thing down
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
First Peyton Manning retires, and now the most interesting man in the world is retiring for Dos Equis. This is the worst week of my fucking life.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
How was I supposed to know the accent was fake before i slept with him
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